My Awkward Social Life

I guess I really mean my awkward social media life but I’m not sure that they’re so different. The other evening, I asked my husband if he would go to a meeting coming up at one of our daughter’s schools, saying that I really didn’t enjoy doing things like that. He said to me: “You’re not very sociable, are you?” I actually burst out laughing and said to him “You’re just figuring this out after being married to me for 20 years?”

I wouldn't describe myself as anti-social but I tend to be shy and have always been sensitive. Maybe that makes me careful around people. I’m not unfriendly. I like people very much but I’m not naturally gregarious. I like spending time by myself. I can always count my close friends on one hand and they have changed over the years.

Here’s some inside information. If you want to torture me, tell me to go into a huge crowd of strangers and mingle. If I think of the least favorite places I’ve been in my life, the high school cafeteria comes to mind. That’s a long time ago but I still remember that horrible sense that everyone was looking at me as I walked in (I know! They weren’t!) and knowing that I would never be one of the cool kids yet really wishing that I was (I wasn’t!).

What does this all have to do with social media?

When I first launched my blog, I never would have predicted that I would also be on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and sometimes Pinterest and Flickr. Me, have a social media presence? What am I doing mingling in a gargantuan crowd of strangers?

One of the very best parts of social media is being able to connect with like-minded people around the world. I have found that there is a beautiful creative community online. I am grateful for the friends I have here at this blog as well as the other sites I frequent. I have met some wonderful online companions, connected with their hearts and minds, and found sources of creative inspiration and personal strength. 

So on a good day, everything social-media-wise is great. I like to encourage other people and it feels good when others do that for me. I enjoy seeing the art that others are producing. I am a curious person and like learning new things. I love seeing the beautiful commonality of our days (the sunrises, the sunsets, treasures from nature, our gardens, our studios, our kitchens, our pets). Because I work on my own, it’s nice to have the camaraderie of others online who lead similar lives--someone to share a joke with, a frustration, a disappointment. I’m grateful that people in all sorts of countries have found me and my paintings through my social media accounts. And of course Meeko now has adoring fans around the globe!

But on those other days, the web can be a source of self-doubt and comparison. I can feel like I’m back in that high school cafeteria. I worry way too much if people like what I post. After each post (here and elsewhere), I watch to see who likes it and worry about those who didn’t. It’s not rational because I don’t see everything that everyone else posts so I don’t like everything of theirs. Plus, it’s not normal to like everything! Every now and then, a comment will hurt my feelings (like the person who posted the backhanded compliment under one of my paintings on Facebook 'I didn't know you could paint that well!'). Or I will follow someone I find interesting but it is obvious that they don't find me interesting at all. Following other artists' feeds is a wonderful source of creative inspiration but during slow periods for my Etsy shop, if others’ streams are filled with photos of the stacks of orders they are sending out, it’s easy to compare myself and feel discouraged no matter how happy I am for their success.

My solution is sometimes to take a little break from it all. That’s probably a healthy thing to do. These past two weeks, I haven’t followed my normal routines. Chloé was on her March school break last week and Emma is on her break this week. When others are in the house, my concentration goes haywire. So I’ve been posting much less on my different social media accounts. I miss it and yet I don’t. It doesn’t make sense to focus outward to the detriment of what’s inside, constantly being a cheerleader for others if I’m not always feeling some sort of benefit in return. Or to be photographing things more than I am living them. Like in anything, balance is required. With social media, I find it’s a delicate balance—I want to participate because of the many good and positive things it offers and that I enjoy, while making sure it doesn’t eat up my self-esteem, painting time, and creative energy. Balance. Moderation. Constant challenges of my awkward social media life. ❤

Choices

Can you read the name on the side of the preserve jar? It says 'Golden Harvest'. It contains branches I cut from my garden this morning--each full of promise of the flowers they will carry in days ahead.  Serviceberry, flowering almond and lilacs. That gorgeous entwined branch was found for me by Chloé on a recent forest walk.

When I wrote about balance the other day, it obviously struck a chord with many of you. It's something we all struggle with. This morning I read Arounna's post (Bookhou at Home) and it's all about finding balance and making choices to stay true to yourself, in her case the artistic vision of both her and her husband.

My thoughts have been swirling in past days, as they tend to do. I was reminded of a beautiful story I heard about making choices and measuring 'success'. It comes from an album by Harry Chapin. He was a storyteller and songwriter who died tragically at a very young age.  He tells the story of his grandfather, James Ormsbee Chapin:

"My grandfather was a painter. He died at age eighty-eight, he illustrated Robert Frost's first two books of poetry and he was looking at me and he said, 'Harry, there are two kinds of tired: there's good-tired, and there's bad-tired.'

He said, 'Ironically enough, bad-tired can be a day that you won. But you won other people's battles, you lived other people's days, other peoples agendas, other people's dreams and when it was all over there was very little "you" in there, and when you hit the hay at night, somehow you toss and turn--you don't settle easy.'

He said, 'Good-tired, ironically enough, can be a day that you lost. But you don't have to tell yourself, 'cause you knew you fought your battles, you chased your dreams, you lived your days, and when you hit the hay at night, you settle easy--you sleep the sleep of the just, and you can say "take me away."' He said, 'Harry, all my life I've painted. God, I would've loved to be more successful, but I painted and I painted, and I am good-tired and they can take me away.' "

James Ormsbee Chapin "Child at Window"

Going back to my photo, everything is entwined. We are surrounded by promise and potential. It's a matter of unravelling things and making daily choices in a way that make sense to us and hitting that pillow at night (at least every now and then) feeling 'good tired'.

Pick One

Years ago, I visited a printer who had a sign in their front entrance 'Quality, Speed, Price:  Pick Two'.  It made me smile because I think it can be applied to other things. Honestly, there are some days when picking one seems enough.

Balance is a difficult thing. I think it's probably even trickier when you work at home (and I'm not in any way diminishing the burden carried by those who work outside of home).  I can try to ignore duties attached to the house when I am supposed to be here being creative, but the house surrounds me. If one of my girls has a dentist appointment,  I'm the one with the 'flexible' schedule so guess who drives her? If Meeko needs a haircut, I'm the one who takes him (he's looking cute, by the way). Throw in a medical appointment for me, a sick day for one of my girls, two walks a day for Meeko scheduled in between rain and wind storms, and a week can disappear.

One of my daughters came home from school this week saying that some of her friends thought that everyone had a cleaning woman. No, not everyone.  We don't have a gardener either.  Well actually we do, but she lives here and is feeling bad right now about how neglected the garden is.

My husband is away from the house about 13 hours on most days and often works weekends, not by choice. He has an impossible job.  He comes in the door at the end of the day like a hurricane and rushes around the house being 'mostly' helpful in a very condensed way. It makes for a family life that feels upside down sometimes.

Beyond the demands of day-to-day family life, it's hard to achieve balance online as well.  If I look after my blog, I'm not painting.  If I'm painting (and I did finish a painting this week), I'm not producing new prints for my Etsy shop (which still take me a lot of time to do).  If I spend time making treasuries for Etsy (which is really helping my shop get more views), I'm not visiting other people's blogs and encouraging them.  But if I spend time visiting blogs, I feel like I'm cheering on others and I'm neglecting myself.

You get my drift.  I'm sure you all live various versions of this. It's hard to achieve balance or even feel that you're getting close some days. I'm not complaining. I'm mulling. I'm sifting. I'm deciding for today which one to pick.